summer workout regiment: cry, masturbate, repeat (any order).

i never want to post anything too private or legitimate on here but whatever

when you see the guy you liked tagged in a picture with a girl and you have the immediate inclination to gauge her fucking eyes out even though there is no reason to immediately assume theyre fucking but youre crazy so what do you expect

ive been in the weirdest mood i need to get my shit together for finals but i have no motivation to do anything and i want to be done with classes but i dont want to leave nola for fucking 8 months and i just want to be with all my friends but im also sick of them all and i just want to cuddle by myself in my bed at home but at the same time what i also want is to snuggle with someone who i care about and i dont even know who that is at this point 

wish i didnt fuck you last week cause now im thinking about you again and you go back to spain anyway and like ugh why did you have to talk to my friends about how you liked me but like now i havent heard from you and i mean i dont have time to hang out anyway but STILL 

i just

meh

while hostessing today, some man came it at around 10pm. dark skin and what could have been middle aged, the first thing i noticed was that the whites of his eyes were blood red, redder than i’ve ever seen on a person.

we made eye contact and he started trying to speak to me, or at least that’s what i think he was doing. i could make out little bits of what he was saying, but it mostly sounded like blabbering, jumbled confused noises.

I held his gaze, saying I couldn’t understand him, hoping he would start to make sense, or leave, or anything.

the more i told him i couldn’t understand him, the more distressed he became. 

i started to notice that he was drooling uncontrollably, saliva dripping out of his mouth as he made the effort to speak to me.

he held out his hands, extending them over the stand towards me.

i could tell he wanted me to hold them, or hug him, or something, but all i could do was stare, frozen, waiting for intervention.

my boss james came over and made him leave, repeating “we have nothing for you here.”

once he left, james told me i did the right thing, and next time to not hesitate to leave and have someone else handle it.

“must’ve just shot up…” he said, “the guy was glassy eyed and drooling all over himself.”

the whole thing just made me so scared, and sad. when talking to my other coworkers about it i tried to made it sound like it was just some casual, random incident.

but, within 5 minutes, i saw the shadow of the man, coming to stand and look in the doorway.

i immediately walked over to one of the waiters and told him, and excused myself to clean the bathrooms upstairs.

i wanted to cry so badly, but there was a customer in there washing her hands. no need to distress her.

i didn’t know what made me more upset, the fact that, if, instead of high off his ass, the man could have easily come in and shot up the place, with me there as first victim.

or

the fact that behind his glazed eyes there was a look of such distress and pain.

when he extended himself towards me, i felt like a terrible human being for not embracing him, even though i had no reason to.

i was so scared, but there was this part of me thought that i could have helped him if i just extended that one kindness.

so last night i got really drunk for whatever reason and wound up fucking one of my best friends… again.

at least since its happened before its not nearly as big of deal, and i was fucked up enough that i barely even have the memory of it going down (which in this case i guess is good? the flashbacks from last time still happily exist to haunt me)

its just irritating because this little part of me actually wants to be with him, and the other part of me really wishes that part of me would stop existing and go away

i’m just in total shame-over mode, im tired as fuck and suffering from a case of sore-vag 

i also fucking texted like 5 different dudes including spanish boy who i was previously making efforts to remove from my brain/life and now is like trying to hang out with me but i mean i really dont need to get crazy and hurt all over again again

…..ergh

i dont know i got that fucked up

so i have this crush thing i really cant have and i dont know if its like my brain fabricating it because of current sexual frustrations along with self-sabotage since its not going to happen, in the sense that it’s weird and it shouldn’t fucking happen even though its been acted on before.

im hoping its that and not like legitimate feelings because just because you care about someone who has a dick doesn’t mean you should be having sex with that person but i mean whatever.

this post doesn’t make any fucking sense but i mean it’s fitting.

also if you actually know me irl and read this dont bring it up cause i actually don’t want to talk about it i just want it to go away.

a bunch of my friends from home are going, but the pre-sale tix were over $200 without any hint of a lineup, and on principle i never pay over $75 for ANYTHING without knowing whose gonna play.

wellps, they released the lineup today and like i would only want to see all of 10 artists, 9 of which ive already seen and 1 of which ive literally been dancing on stage for (afrojack, scratched him in the face accidentally lols)

apparently more artists are to come, so for their sake i hope someone decent actually graces the lineup but i for one am happy to not have wasted my money.

plus rave kids suck dick.